♉ I must sound like a broken record player at this point.
July 3. My last post. When I was on here writing about my summer; things that were keeping me busy; a book; vacation; etc. Essentially everything except the one thing I should have been writing about.
How broken I actually was.
— and maybe that is why I stayed away from here for so long. Because I knew that I was hiding something from myself that I was too afraid to share. Something that needed more attention than just a few paragraphs on a page.
I have always taken pride on my emotional strength. During times where I could have completely collapsed I always pulled myself back up before falling entirely on the floor; this time it was different. I collapsed. I went all the way down, and there was no saving for a while.
Not knowing how to take care of yourself emotionally is scary, difficult, and dark. People would talk to me, and I'd just pretend to listen. I would hang out with people and pretend to enjoy it. I was lying to myself, and others.
doseofdre entry 12/3/2017:
"people will lie to you. that is just the way it is and unfortunately there is nothing we can do about that. the other truth, however, is that you will lie, too — and sometimes even to yourself. we lie to ourselves, and others, when trying to convince them that we are not broken. i know because i did this for a while. i lied every single time i said i was fine when i wasn't. lied when i said i was over it. lied when i said i slept well at night, and lied when i said that i wasn't thinking about it. it was bad at first, all the lying..but one day when i said i was fine i took a step back and realized i actually was. said i slept well at night and for the first time i actually felt rested. screamed that i was over it and finally i really was. so my advice to your is to lie. but only do it in this way. for you. whenever you feel like you are heading back into the comfort of negativity, tell yourself a lie."
But, time heals all wounds — that is something I finally believe. It grants us peace in our hearts, in our lives, and shows us the beauty of forgiveness too.
You need to forgive. You need to give chances to people, even things, that once let you down. Timing has a way of messing us up sometimes.
It is nearing the end of the year, a tough one, but I won't say that I hope the next year is better. I believe that every year is meant to be a challenge for us. A way to test us to see in which way we can excel next.
"there are people that once knew every freckle on my body. but since then the sun shines down on me brighter than ever before. its made new freckles appear on my skin — new stories and memories are now being made, leaving trails they will no longer trace."